Hi. My name is Karen and I'm an addict.
My addiction started when I was fifteen. I got my first fix and unlimited access to my drug of choice when I started working at Taco Bell. It was easy, available and free. I didn't realize then what a slippery slope I was starting down.
I am addicted to Dr Pepper.
One of the really bad things about fast food companies is the unlimited access to soda that they offer. In an eight hour shift, an average employee could drink a gallon or more of fountain soda without even realizing it. I worked in an environment that allowed the consumption of unlimited free soda from 1979 to 2006.
Dr Pepper became the first thing I reached for in the morning when I woke up. On a bad morning I could be on my third soda before I left the house for work. I never drove any where without a Dr Pepper in the cup holder of the car. It was what I reached for after sex. I could drink Dr Pepper like other people chain smoke cigarettes, popping one open after the last one was finished.
When my addiction was at it's worse, I was drinking twelve a day.
I bragged at one point in my management career, that I was living on Dr Pepper and stress. That comment was not too far off. It is still my go-to when things get tough.
I stopped drinking Dr Pepper for ten months when I got pregnant with my son. It's the longest I've been able to go without having a Dr Pepper for 37 years. Since then, with my diminished metabolism and advancing girth, I've tried to stop drinking it again. Every time I have failed.
It is the reason I gained back the weight I lost in 2012. I self-sabotaged by believing I could drink Dr Pepper and not gain weight. I mean, I drank Dr Pepper for years and didn't gain any weight, why would this be any different. I began to drink Dr Pepper in private, hiding it from those who I love.
My brain keeps telling me that I can continue to drink Dr Pepper and be skinny, but my body is not believing it so much. I struggle to limit my consumption, even now. No, I do not drink 12 a day any more, but at my age and with my metabolism issues, three is just as bad.
On Monday, when we put Preacher to sleep, I had three.
I told J on Tuesday that I could no longer make the same choices I've been making. I want to be able to ride without feeling uncomfortable. I want to ride without Ashke wincing at me bouncing on his back. I want to be able to look down and see my feet. I want to be able to see a picture of me on Ashke's back and see something other than how I look.
I asked J to make me feel guilty at wanting a soda. To tell me no and get mad at me. To hold me accountable, because my brain and I are not on the same page with this Dr Pepper thing.
Pray for me. I'm going to need all of the help I can get.