J

I haven't written much about J in a while. She has taken a less active role with Ashke since we moved to the new barn. I think that has happened because I stop by to work him on my way home from work and she goes straight home to fix dinner and help T with homework.

It's hard. It's hard to find a balance between feeling like I'm absolutely needed at home, especially on those nights when T is struggling with math homework (he is basically doing an independent study with limited resources - the fact that he is pulling an A when his teachers have been his parents for pre-Algebra speaks to his innate ability to understand math) or the dogs are being pills or the house is burning down. On the other hand, Ashke needs to be worked. He's at the point where he needs consistent work and a schedule to build muscle and stamina. And he needs a challenge so he doesn't check out mentally. That means consistency.

And guilt.

I feel guilty that I am leaving J to deal with the homelife (which can get really crazed at times) and the boy, while I am off enjoying myself with my horse. I feel guilty when I get off schedule and don't work Ashke, knowing he is stuffed in a stall with no mental challenges unless I make time to go to the barn. So, guilt is a constant companion.

J, though, has been wonderful. She has found a way to be supportive of me, supportive of T, and learned to cook some simple meals for the family (traditionally I am the cook in the family) so I can have this piece of time and attention for the horse child. And she has been very supportive of the changes I've made with tack and equipment, the change in the barn location, the changes in feed and medical bills. She encouraged me calling a psychic (although if it had been just after we met she might have left me because of that - we've both changed so much in the past 17 years), encouraged me to find the right saddle, and dealt with the reality that we may never be out of credit card debt.

So even if J has tailed off spending time at the barn, she still supports both myself and Ashke, both in terms of financial support and emotional support. I couldn't ask for a better partner.